CHAPTER 31

Sonowtheywereintherobeagaintogetheranditwaslateinthelastnight.Marialaycloseagainsthimandhefeltthelongsmoothnessofherthighsagainsthisandherbreastsliketwosmallhillsthatriseoutofthelongplainwherethereisawell,andthefarcountrybeyondthehillswasthevalleyofherthroatwherehislipswere.Helayveryquietanddidnotthinkandshestrokedhisheadwithherhand.

「Roberto,」Mariasaidverysoftlyandkissedhim.「Iamashamed.Idonotwishtodisappointtheebutthereisagreatsorenessandmuchpain.IdonotthinkIwouldbeanygoodtothee.」

「Thereisalwaysagreatsorenessandmuchpain,」hesaid.「Nay,rabbit.Thatisnothing.Wewilldonothingthatmakespain.」

「Itisnotthat.ItisthatIamnotgoodtoreceivetheeasIwishto.」

「Thatisofnoimportance.Thatisapassingthing.Wearetogetherwhenwelietogether.」

「Yes,butIamashamed.Ithinkitwasfromwhenthingsweredonetomethatitcomes.Notfromtheeandme.」

「Letusnottalkofthat.」

「NordoIwishto.ImeantIcouldnotbeartofailtheenowonthisnightandsoIsoughttoexcusemyself.」

「Listen,rabbit,」hesaid.「Allsuchthingspassandthenthereisnoproblem.」Buthethought;itwasnotgoodluckforthelastnight.

Thenhewasashamedandsaid,「Liecloseagainstme,rabbit.IlovetheeasmuchfeelingtheeagainstmeinhereinthedarkasIlovetheemakinglove.」

「IamdeeplyashamedbecauseIthoughtitmightbeagaintonightasitwasinthehighcountrywhenwecamedownfromElSordo』s.」

「Quéva,」hesaidtoher.「Thatisnotforeveryday.Ilikeitthusaswellastheother.」Helied,puttingasidedisappointment.「Wewillbeheretogetherquietlyandwewillsleep.Letustalktogether.Iknowtheeverylittlefromtalking.」

「Shouldwespeakoftomorrowandofthywork?Iwouldliketobeintelligentaboutthywork.」

「No,」hesaidandrelaxedcompletelyintothelengthoftherobeandlaynowquietlywithhischeekagainsthershoulder,hisleftarmunderherhead.「Themostintelligentisnottotalkabouttomorrownorwhathappenedtoday.Inthiswedonotdiscussthelossesandwhatwemustdotomorrowwewilldo.Thouartnotafraid?」

「Quéva,」shesaid.「Iamalwaysafraid.ButnowIamafraidfortheesomuchIdonotthinkofme.」

「Thoumustnot,rabbit.Ihavebeeninmanythings.Andworsethanthis,」helied.

Thensuddenlysurrenderingtosomething,totheluxuryofgoingintounreality,hesaid,「LetustalkofMadridandofusinMadrid.」

「Good,」shesaid.Then,「Oh,Roberto,IamsorryIhavefailedthee.IstherenotsomeotherthingthatIcandoforthee?」

Hestrokedherheadandkissedherandthenlaycloseandrelaxedbesideher,listeningtothequietofthenight.

「ThoucansttalkwithmeofMadrid,」hesaidandthought:I』llkeepanyoversupplyofthatfortomorrow.I』llneedallofthatthereistomorrow.TherearenopineneedlesthatneedthatnowasIwillneedittomorrow.WhowasitcasthisseeduponthegroundintheBible?Onan.HowdidOnanturnout?hethought.Idon』tremembereverhearinganymoreaboutOnan.Hesmiledinthedark.

Thenhesurrenderedagainandlethimselfslipintoit,feelingavoluptuousnessofsurrenderintounrealitythatwaslikeasexualacceptanceofsomethingthatcouldcomeinthenightwhentherewasnounderstanding,onlythedelightofacceptance.

「Mybeloved,」hesaid,andkissedher.「Listen.TheothernightIwasthinkingaboutMadridandIthoughthowIwouldgetthereandleavetheeatthehotelwhileIwentuptoseepeopleatthehoteloftheRussians.Butthatwasfalse.Iwouldnotleavetheeatanyhotel.」

「Whynot?」

「BecauseIwilltakecareofthee.Iwillnoteverleavethee.IwillgowiththeetotheSeguridadtogetpapers.ThenIwillgowiththeetobuythoseclothesthatareneeded.」

「Theyarefew,andIcanbuythem.」

「Nay,theyaremanyandwewillgotogetherandbuygoodonesandthouwiltbebeautifulinthem.」

「IwouldratherwestayedintheroominthehotelandsentOutfortheclothes.Whereisthehotel?」

「ItisonthePlazadelCallao.Wewillbemuchinthatroominthathotel.ThereisawidebedwithcleansheetsandthereishotrunningwaterinthebathtubandtherearetwoclosetsandIwillkeepmythingsinoneandthouwilttaketheother.Andtherearetall,widewindowsthatopen,andoutside,inthestreets,thereisthespring.AlsoIknowgoodplacestoeatthatareillegalbutwithgoodfood,andIknowshopswherethereisstillwineandwhiskey.AndwewillkeepthingstoeatintheroomforwhenwearehungryandalsowhiskeyforwhenIwishadrinkandIwillbuytheemanzanilla.」

「Iwouldliketotrythewhiskey.」

「Butsinceitisdifficulttoobtainandifthoulikestmanzanilla.」

「Keepthywhiskey,Roberto,」shesaid.「Oh,Ilovetheeverymuch.ThouandthywhiskeythatIcouldnothave.Whatapigthouart.」

「Nay,youshalltryit.Butitisnotgoodforawoman.」

「AndIhaveonlyhadthingsthatweregoodforawoman,」Mariasaid.「ThenthereinbedIwillstillwearmyweddingshirt?」

「Nay.Iwillbuytheevariousnightgownsandpajamastooifyoushouldpreferthem.」

「Iwillbuysevenweddingshirts,」shesaid.「Oneforeachdayoftheweek.AndIwillbuyacleanweddingshirtforthee.Dosteverwashthyshirt?」

「Sometimes.」

「IwillkeepeverythingcleanandIwillpourthywhiskeyandputthewaterinitasitwasdoneatSordo』s.Iwillobtainolivesandsaltedcodfishandhazelnutsfortheetoeatwhilethoudrinkestandwewillstayintheroomforamonthandneverleaveit.IfIamfittoreceivethee,」shesaid,suddenlyunhappy.

「Thatisnothing,」RobertJordantoldher.「Trulyitisnothing.Itispossiblethouwerthurtthereonceandnowthereisascarthatmakesafurtherhurting.Suchathingispossible.Allsuchthingspass.AndalsotherearegooddoctorsinMadridifthereistrulyanything.」

「Butallwasgoodbefore,」shesaidpleadingly.

「Thatisthepromisethatallwillbegoodagain.」

「ThenletustalkagainaboutMadrid.」Shecurledherlegsbetweenhisandrubbedthetopofherheadagainsthisshoulder.「ButwillInotbesouglytherewiththiscroppedheadthatthouwiltbeashamedofme?」

「Nay.Thouartlovely.Thouhastalovelyfaceandabeautifulbody,longandlight,andthyskinissmoothandthecolorofburntgoldandeveryonewilltrytotaketheefromme.」

「Quéva,takemefromthee,」shesaid.「NoothermanwillevertouchmetillIdie.Takemefromthee!Quéva.」

「Butmanywilltry.Thouwiltsee.」

「TheywillseeIlovetheesothattheywillknowitwouldbeasunsafeasputtingtheirhandsintoacauldronofmeltedleadtotouchme.Butthou?Whenthouseestbeautifulwomenofthesamecultureasthee?Thouwiltnotbeashamedofme?」

「Never.AndIwillmarrythee.」

「Ifyouwish,」shesaid.「ButsincewenolongerhavetheChurchIdonotthinkitcarriesimportance.」

「Iwouldlikeustobemarried.」

「Ifyouwish.Butlisten.IfwewereeverinanothercountrywheretherestillwastheChurchperhapswecouldbemarriedinitthere.」

「InmycountrytheystillhavetheChurch,」hetoldher.「Therewecanbemarriedinitifitmeansaughttothee.Ihaveneverbeenmarried.Thereisnoproblem.」

「Iamgladthouhastneverbeenmarried,」shesaid.「ButIamgladthouknowestaboutsuchthingsasyouhavetoldmeforthatmeansthouhastbeenwithmanywomenandthePilartoldmethatitisonlysuchmenwhoarepossibleforhusbands.Butthouwiltnotrunwithotherwomennow?Becauseitwouldkillme.」

「Ihaveneverrunwithmanywomen,」hesaid,truly.「UntiltheeIdidnotthinkthatIcouldloveonedeeply.」

Shestrokedhischeeksandthenheldherhandsclaspedbehindhishead.「Thoumusthaveknownverymany.」

「Nottolovethem.」

「Listen.ThePilartoldmesomething——」

「Sayit.」

「No.Itisbetternotto.LetustalkagainaboutMadrid.」

「Whatwasityouweregoingtosay?」

「Idonotwishtosayit.」

「Perhapsitwouldbebettertosayitifitcouldbeimportant.」

「Youthinkitisimportant?」

「Yes.」

「Buthowcanyouknowwhenyoudonotknowwhatitis?」

「Fromthymanner.」

「Iwillnotkeepitfromyouthen.ThePilartoldmethatwewouldalldietomorrowandthatyouknowitaswellasshedoesandthatyougiveitnoimportance.Shesaidthisnotincriticismbutinadmiration.」

「Shesaidthat?」hesaid.Thecrazybitch,hethought,andhesaid,「Thatismoreofhergypsymanure.Thatisthewayoldmarketwomenandcafécowardstalk.Thatismanuringobscenity.」Hefeltthesweatthatcamefromunderhisarmpitsandsliddownbetweenhisarmandhissideandhesaidtohimself,Soyouarescared,eh?andaloudhesaid,「Sheisamanure-mouthedsuperstitiousbitch.LetustalkagainofMadrid.」

「Thenyouknownosuchthing?」

「Ofcoursenot.Donottalksuchmanure,」hesaid,usingastronger,uglyword.

ButthistimewhenhetalkedaboutMadridtherewasnoslippingintomake-believeagain.Nowhewasjustlyingtohisgirlandtohimselftopassthenightbeforebattleandheknewit.Helikedtodoit,butalltheluxuryoftheacceptancewasgone.Buthestartedagain.

「Ihavethoughtaboutthyhair,」hesaid.「Andwhatwecandoaboutit.YouseeitgrowsnowalloverthyheadthesamelengthlikethefurofananimalanditislovelytofeelandIloveitverymuchanditisbeautifulanditflattensandriseslikeawheatfieldinthewindwhenIpassmyhandoverit.」

「Passthyhandoverit.」

Hedidandlefthishandthereandwentontalkingtoherthroat,ashefelthisownthroatswell.「ButinMadridIthoughtwecouldgotogethertothecoiffeur』sandtheycouldcutitneatlyonthesidesandinthebackastheycutmineandthatwayitwouldlookbetterinthetownwhileitisgrowingout.」

「Iwouldlooklikethee,」shesaidandheldhimclosetoher.「AndthenIneverwouldwanttochangeit.」

「Nay.Itwillgrowallthetimeandthatwillonlybetokeepitneatatthestartwhileitisgrowinglong.Howlongwillittakeittogrowlong?」

「Reallylong?」

「No.Imeantothyshoulders.ItisthusIwouldhavetheewearit.」

「AsGarbointhecinema?」

「Yes,」hesaidthickly.

Nowthemakingbelievewascomingbackinagreatrushandhewouldtakeitalltohim.Ithadhimnow,andagainhesurrenderedandwenton.「Soitwillhangstraighttothyshouldersandcurlattheendsasawaveoftheseacurls,anditwillbethecolorofripewheatandthyfacethecolorofburntgoldandthineeyestheonlycolortheycouldbewiththyhairandthyskin,goldwiththedarkflecksinthem,andIwillpushthyheadbackandlookinthyeyesandholdtheetightagainstme—」

「Where?」

「Anywhere.Whereveritisthatweare.Howlongwillittakeforthyhairtogrow?」

「Idonotknowbecauseitneverhadbeencutbefore.ButIthinkinsixmonthsitshouldbelongenoughtohangwellbelowmyearsandinayearaslongasthoucouldsteverwish.Butdoyouknowwhatwillhappenfirst?」

「Tellme.」

「WewillbeinthebigcleanbedinthyfamousroominourfamoushotelandwewillsitinthefamousbedtogetherandlookintothemirrorofthearmoireandtherewillbetheeandtherewillbemeintheglassandthenIwillturntotheethus,andputmyarmsaroundtheethus,andthenIwillkisstheethus.」

Thentheylayquietandclosetogetherinthenight,hot-aching,rigid,closetogetherandholdingher,RobertJordanheldcloselytooallthosethingsthatheknewcouldneverhappen,andhewentonwithitdeliberatelyandsaid,「Rabbit,wewillnotalwaysliveinthathotel.」

「Whynot?」

「WecangetanapartmentinMadridonthatstreetthatrunsalongtheParqueoftheBuenRetiro.IknowanAmericanwomanwhofurnishedapartmentsandrentedthembeforethemovementandIknowhowtogetsuchanapartmentforonlytherentthatwaspaidbeforethemovement.Thereareapartmentstherethatfaceontheparkandyoucanseealloftheparkfromthewindows;theironfence,thegardens,andthegravelwalksandthegreenofthelawnswheretheytouchthegravel,andthetreesdeepwithshadowsandthemanyfountains,andnowthechestnuttreeswillbeinbloom.InMadridwecanwalkintheparkandrowonthelakeifthewaterisbackinitnow.」

「Whywouldthewaterbeout?」

「TheydraineditinNovemberbecauseitmadeamarktosightfromwhentheplanescameoverforbombing.ButIthinkthatthewaterisbackinitnow.Iamnotsure.Butevenifthereisnowaterinitwecanwalkthroughalltheparkawayfromthelakeandthereisapartthatislikeaforestwithtreesfromallpartsoftheworldwiththeirnamesonthem,withplacardsthattellwhattreestheyareandwheretheycamefrom.」

「Iwouldalmostassoongothecinema,」Mariasaid.「ButthetreessoundveryinterestingandIwilllearnthemallwiththeeifIcanrememberthem.」

「Theyarenotasinamuseum,」RobertJordansaid.「Theygrownaturallyandtherearehillsintheparkandpartoftheparkislikeajungle.Thenbelowitthereisthebookfairwherealongthesidewalkstherearehundredsofboothswithsecond-handbooksinthemandnow,sincethemovement,therearemanybooks,stoleninthelootingofthehouseswhichhavebeenbombedandfromthehousesofthefascists,andbroughttothebookfairbythosewhostolethem.IcouldspendalldayeverydayatthestallsofthebookfairasIoncedidinthedaysbeforethemovement,ifIevercouldhaveanytimeinMadrid.」

「WhilethouartvisitingthebookfairIwilloccupymyselfwiththeapartment,」Mariasaid.「Willwehaveenoughmoneyforaservant?」

「Surely.IcangetPetrawhoisatthehotelifshepleasesthee.Shecookswellandisclean.Ihaveeatentherewithnewspapermenthatshecooksfor.Theyhaveelectricstovesintheirrooms.」

「Ifyouwishher,」Mariasaid.「OrIcanfindsomeone.Butwiltthounotbeawaymuchwiththywork?Theywouldnotletmegowiththeeonsuchworkasthis.」

「PerhapsIcangetworkinMadrid.IhavedonethisworknowforalongtimeandIhavefoughtsincethestartofthemovement.ItispossiblethattheywouldgivemeworknowinMadrid.Ihaveneveraskedforit.Ihavealwaysbeenatthefrontorinsuchworkasthis.

「DoyouknowthatuntilImettheeIhaveneveraskedforanything?Norwantedanything?Northoughtofanythingexceptthemovementandthewinningofthiswar?TrulyIhavebeenverypureinmyambitions.IhaveworkedmuchandnowIlovetheeand,」hesaiditnowinacompleteembracingofallthatwouldnotbe,「IlovetheeasIloveallthatwehavefoughtfor.IlovetheeasIlovelibertyanddignityandtherightsofallmentoworkandnotbehungry.IlovetheeasIloveMadridthatwehavedefendedandasIloveallmycomradesthathavedied.Andmanyhavedied.Many.Many.Thoucanstnotthinkhowmany.ButIlovetheeasIlovewhatIlovemostintheworldandIlovetheemore.Ilovetheeverymuch,rabbit.MorethanIcantellthee.ButIsaythisnowtotelltheealittle.IhaveneverhadawifeandnowIhavetheeforawifeandIamhappy.」

「IwillmaketheeasgoodawifeasIcan,」Mariasaid.「ClearlyIamnotwelltrainedbutIwilltrytomakeupforthat.IfweliveinMadrid;good.Ifwemustliveinanyotherplace;good.IfwelivenowhereandIcangowiththee;better.IfwegotothycountryIwilllearntotalkInglélikethemostIngléthatthereis.IwillstudyalltheirmannersandastheydosowillIdo.」

「Thouwiltbeverycomic.」

「Surely.IwillmakemistakesbutyouwilltellmeandIwillnevermakethemtwice,ormaybeonlytwice.TheninthycountryifthouartlonesomeforourfoodIcancookforthee.AndIwillgotoaschooltolearntobeawife,ifthereissuchaschool,andstudyatit.」

「Therearesuchschoolsbutthoudostnotneedthatschooling.」

「Pilartoldmethatshethoughttheyexistedinyourcountry.Shehadreadoftheminaperiodical.AndshetoldmealsothatImustlearntospeakIngléandtospeakitwellsothouwouldstneverbeashamedofme.」

「Whendidshetellyouthis?」

「Todaywhilewewerepacking.ConstantlyshetalkedtomeaboutwhatIshoulddotobethywife.」

IguessshewasgoingtoMadridtoo,RobertJordanthought,andsaid,「Whatelsedidshesay?」

「ShesaidImusttakecareofmybodyandguardthelineofmyfigureasthoughIwereabullfighter.Shesaidthiswasofgreatimportance.」

「Itis,」RobertJordansaid.「Butthouhastnottoworryaboutthatformanyyears.」

「No.Shesaidthoseofourracemustwatchthatalwaysasitcancomesuddenly.ShetoldmeshewasonceasslenderasIbutthatinthosedayswomendidnottakeexercise.ShetoldmewhatexercisesIshouldtakeandthatImustnoteattoomuch.Shetoldmewhichthingsnottoeat.ButIhaveforgottenandmustaskheragain.」

「Potatoes,」hesaid.

「Yes,」shewenton.「Itwaspotatoesandthingsthatarefried.AlsowhenItoldheraboutthisofthesorenessshesaidImustnottelltheebutmustsupportthepainandnotlettheeknow.ButItoldtheebecauseIdonotwishtolietotheeeverandalsoIfearedthatthoumightthinkwedidnothavethejoyincommonanylongerandthatother,asitwasinthehighcountry,hadnottrulyhappened.」

「Itwasrighttotellme.」

「Truly?ForIamashamedandIwilldoanythingfortheethatthoushouldwish.Pilarhastoldmeofthingsonecandoforahusband.」

「Thereisnoneedtodoanything.Whatwehavewehavetogetherandwewillkeepitandguardit.Ilovetheethuslyingbesidetheeandtouchingtheeandknowingthouarttrulythereandwhenthouartreadyagainwewillhaveall.」

「ButhastthounotnecessitiesthatIcancarefor?Sheexplainedthattome.」

「Nay.Wewillhaveournecessitiestogether.Ihavenonecessitiesapartfromthee.」

「Thatseemsmuchbettertome.ButunderstandalwaysthatIwilldowhatyouwish.ButthoumusttellmeforIhavegreatignoranceandmuchofwhatshetoldmeIdidnotunderstandclearly.ForIwasashamedtoaskandsheisofsuchgreatandvariedwisdom.」

「Rabbit,」hesaid.「Thouartverywonderful.」

「Quéva,」shesaid.「ButtotrytolearnallofthatwhichgoesintowifehoodinadaywhilewearebreakingcampandpackingforabattlewithanotherbattlepassinginthecountryaboveisararethingandifImakeseriousmistakesthoumusttellmeforIlovethee.Itcouldbepossibleformetorememberthingsincorrectlyandmuchthatshetoldmewasverycomplicated.」

「Whatelsedidshetellthee?」

「PuessomanythingsIcannotrememberthem.ShesaidIcouldtelltheeofwhatwasdonetomeifIeverbegantothinkofitagainbecausethouartagoodmanandalreadyhaveunderstooditall.Butthatitwerebetternevertospeakofitunlessitcameonmeasablackthingasithadbeenbeforeandthenthattellingittotheemightridmeofit.」

「Doesitweighontheenow?」

「No.Itisasthoughithadneverhappenedsincewewerefirsttogether.Thereisthesorrowformyparentsalways.Butthattherewillbealways.ButIwouldhavetheeknowthatwhichyoushouldknowforthyownprideifIamtobethywife.NeverdidIsubmittoanyone.AlwaysIfoughtandalwaysittooktwoofthemormoretodometheharm.Onewouldsitonmyheadandholdme.Itelltheethisforthypride.」

「Myprideisinthee.Donottellit.」

「Nay,Ispeakofthyownpridewhichitisnecessarytohaveinthywife.Andanotherthing.Myfatherwasthemayorofthevillageandanhonorableman.MymotherwasanhonorablewomanandagoodCatholicandtheyshotherwithmyfatherbecauseofthepoliticsofmyfatherwhowasaRepublican.Isawbothofthemshotandmyfathersaid,『VivalaRepublica,』whentheyshothimstandingagainstthewalloftheslaughterhouseofourvillage.

「Mymotherstandingagainstthesamewallsaid,『VivamyhusbandwhowastheMayorofthisvillage,』andIhopedtheywouldshootmetooandIwasgoingtosay『VivalaRepublicayvivanmispadres,』butinsteadtherewasnoshootingbutinsteadthedoingofthethings.

「Listen.Iwilltelltheeofonethingsinceitaffectsus.Aftertheshootingatthemataderotheytookus,thoserelativeswhohadseenitbutwerenotshot,backfromthemataderoupthesteephillintothemainsquareofthetown.Nearlyallwereweepingbutsomewerenumbwithwhattheyhadseenandthetearshaddriedinthem.Imyselfcouldnotcry.IdidnotnoticeanythingthatpassedforIcouldonlyseemyfatherandmymotheratthemomentoftheshootingandmymothersaying,『LonglivemyhusbandwhowasMayorofthisvillage,』andthiswasinmyheadlikeascreamthatwouldnotdiebutkeptonandon.FormymotherwasnotaRepublicanandshewouldnotsay,『VivalaRepublica,』butonlyVivamyfatherwholaythere,onhisface,byherfeet.

「Butwhatshehadsaid,shehadsaidveryloud,likeashriekandthentheyshotandshefellandItriedtoleavethelinetogotoherbutwewerealltied.TheshootingwasdonebytheguardiacivilandtheywerestilltherewaitingtoshootmorewhentheFalangistsherdedusawayandupthehillleavingtheguardiascivilesleaningontheirriflesandleavingallthebodiesthereagainstthewall.Weweretiedbythewristsinalonglineofgirlsandwomenandtheyherdedusupbythehillandthroughthestreetstothesquareandinthesquaretheystoppedinfrontofthebarbershopwhichwasacrossthesquarefromthecityhail.

「Thenthetwomenlookedatusandonesaid,『ThatisthedaughteroftheMayor,』andtheothersaid,『Commencewithher.』

「Thentheycuttheropethatwasoneachofmywrists,onesayingtoothersofthem,『Tieuptheline,』andthesetwotookmebythearmsandintothebarbershopandliftedmeupandputmeinthebarber』schairandheldmethere.

「IsawmyfaceinthemirrorofthebarbershopandthefacesofthosewhowereholdingmeandthefacesofthreeotherswhowereleaningovermeandIknewnoneoftheirfacesbutintheglassIsawmyselfandthem,buttheysawonlyme.Anditwasasthoughonewereinthedentist』schairandthereweremanydentistsandtheywereallinsane.MyownfaceIcouldhardlyrecognizebecausemygriefhadchangeditbutIlookedatitandknewthatitwasme.ButmygriefwassogreatthatIhadnofearnoranyfeelingbutmygrief.

「AtthattimeIworemyhairintwobraidsandasIwatchedinthemirroroneofthemliftedoneofthebraidsandpulledonitsoithurtmesuddenlythroughmygriefandthencutitoffclosetomyheadwitharazor.AndIsawmyselfwithonebraidandaslashwheretheotherhadbeen.ThenhecutofftheotherbraidbutwithoutpullingonitandtherazormadeasmallcutonmyearandIsawbloodcomefromit.Canstthoufeelthescarwiththyfinger?」

「Yes.Butwoulditbebetternottotalkofthis?」

「Thisisnothing.Iwillnottalkofthatwhichisbad.SohehadcutbothbraidsclosetomyheadwitharazorandtheotherslaughedandIdidnotevenfeelthecutonmyearandthenhestoodinfrontofmeandstruckmeacrossthefacewiththebraidswhiletheothertwoheldmeandhesaid,『ThisishowwemakeRednuns.Thiswillshowtheehowtounitewiththyproletarianbrothers.BrideoftheRedChrist!』

「Andhestruckmeagainandagainacrossthefacewiththebraidswhichhadbeenmineandthenheputthetwooftheminmymouthandtiedthemtightaroundmyneck,knottingtheminthebacktomakeagagandthetwoholdingmelaughed.

「AndallofthemwhosawitlaughedandwhenIsawthemlaughinthemirrorIcommencedtocrybecauseuntilthenIhadbeentoofrozeninmyselffromtheshootingtobeabletocry.

「Thentheonewhohadgaggedmeranaclippersallovermyhead;firstfromtheforeheadallthewaytothebackoftheneckandthenacrossthetopandthenallovermyheadandclosebehindmyearsandtheyheldmesoIcouldseeintotheglassofthebarber』smirrorallthetimethattheydidthisandIcouldnotbelieveitasIsawitdoneandIcriedandIcriedbutIcouldnotlookawayfromthehorrorthatmyfacemadewiththemouthopenandthebraidstiedinitandmyheadcomingnakedundertheclippers.

「Andwhentheonewiththeclipperswasfinishedhetookabottleofiodinefromtheshelfofthebarber(theyhadshotthebarbertooforhebelongedtoasyndicate,andhelayinthedoorwayoftheshopandtheyhadliftedmeoverhimastheybroughtmein)andwiththeglasswandthatisintheiodinebottlehetouchedmeontheearwhereithadbeencutandthesmallpainofthatcamethroughmygriefandthroughmyhorror.

「ThenhestoodinfrontofmeandwroteU.H.P.onmyforeheadwiththeiodine,letteringitslowlyandcarefullyasthoughhewereanartistandIsawallofthisasithappenedinthemirrorandInolongercriedformyheartwasfrozeninmeformyfatherandmymotherandwhathappenedtomenowwasnothingandIknewit.

「Thenwhenhehadfinishedthelettering,theFalangiststeppedbackandlookedatmetoexaminehisworkandthenheputdowntheiodinebottleandpickeduptheclippersandsaid,『Next,』andtheytookmeoutofthebarbershopholdingmetightbyeacharmandIstumbledoverthebarberlyingtherestillinthedoorwayonhisbackwithhisgrayfaceup,andwenearlycollidedwithConcepciónGracía,mybestfriend,thattwoofthemwerebringinginandwhenshesawmeshedidnotrecognizeme,andthensherecognizedme,andshescreamed,andIcouldhearherscreamingallthetimetheywereshovingmeacrossthesquare,andintothedoorway,andupthestairsofthecityhallandintotheofficeofmyfatherwheretheylaidmeontothecouch.Anditwastherethatthebadthingsweredone.」

「Myrabbit,」RobertJordansaidandheldherascloseandasgentlyashecould.Buthewasasfullofhateasanymancouldbe.「Donottalkmoreaboutit.DonottellmeanymoreforIcannotbearmyhatrednow.」

Shewasstiffandcoldinhisarmsandshesaid,「Nay.Iwillnevertalkmoreofit.ButtheyarebadpeopleandIwouldliketokillsomeofthemwiththeeifIcould.ButIhavetoldtheethisonlyforthyprideifIamtobethywife.Sothouwouldstunderstand.」

「Iamgladyoutoldme,」hesaid.「Fortomorrow,withluck,wewillkillplenty.」

「ButwillwekillFalangists?Itwastheywhodidit.」

「Theydonotfight,」hesaidgloomily.「Theykillattherear.Itisnotthemwefightinbattle.」

「Butcanwenotkilltheminsomeway?Iwouldliketokillsomeverymuch.」

「Ihavekilledthem,」hesaid.「Andwewillkillthemagain.Atthetrainswehavekilledthem.」

「Iwouldliketogoforatrainwiththee,」Mariasaid.「ThetimeofthetrainthatPilarbroughtmebackfromIwassomewhatcrazy.DidshetelltheehowIwas?」

「Yes.Donottalkofit.」

「IwasdeadinmyheadwithanumbnessandallIcoulddowascry.ButthereisanotherthingthatImusttellthee.ThisImust.Thenperhapsthouwiltnotmarryme.But,Roberto,ifthoushouldnotwishtomarryme,canwenot,then,justbealwaystogether?」

「Iwillmarrythee.」

「Nay.Ihadforgottenthis.Perhapsyoushouldnot.ItispossiblethatIcanneverbeartheeeitherasonoradaughterforthePilarsaysthatifIcoulditwouldhavehappenedtomewiththethingswhichweredone.Imusttelltheethat.Oh,IdonotknowwhyIhadforgottenthat.」

「Itisofnoimportance,rabbit,」hesaid.「Firstitmaynotbetrue.Thatisforadoctortosay.ThenIwouldnotwishtobringeitherasonoradaughterintothisworldasthisworldis.AndalsoyoutakealltheloveIhavetogive.」

「Iwouldliketobearthysonandthydaughter,」shetoldhim.「Andhowcantheworldbemadebetteriftherearenochildrenofuswhofightagainstthefascists?」

「Thou,」hesaid.「Ilovethee.Hearestthou?Andnowwemustsleep,rabbit.ForImustbeuplongbeforedaylightandthedawncomesearlyinthismonth.」

「ThenitisallrightaboutthelastthingIsaid?Wecanstillbemarried?」

「Wearemarried,now.Imarrytheenow.Thouartmywife.Butgotosleep,myrabbit,forthereislittletimenow.」

「Andwewilltrulybemarried?Notjustatalking?」

「Truly.」

「ThenIwillsleepandthinkofthatifIwake.」

「I,too.」

「Goodnight,myhusband.」

「Goodnight,」hesaid.「Goodnight,wife.」

Heheardherbreathingsteadilyandregularlynowandheknewshewasasleepandhelayawakeandverystillnotwantingtowakenherbymoving.Hethoughtofallthepartshehadnottoldhimandhelaytherehatingandhewaspleasedtherewouldbekillinginthemorning.ButImustnottakeanyofitpersonally,hethought.

ThoughhowcanIkeepfromit?Iknowthatwediddreadfulthingstothemtoo.Butitwasbecausewewereuneducatedandknewnobetter.Buttheydidthatonpurposeanddeliberately.Thosewhodidthatarethelastfloweringofwhattheireducationhasproduced.ThosearetheflowersofSpanishchivalry.Whatapeopletheyhavebeen.WhatsonsofbitchesfromCortez,Pizarro,MenéndezdeAvilaalldownthroughEnriqueListertoPablo.Andwhatwonderfulpeople.Thereisnofinerandnoworsepeopleintheworld.Nokinderpeopleandnocrueler.Andwhounderstandsthem?Notme,becauseifIdidIwouldforgiveitall.Tounderstandistoforgive.That』snottrue.Forgivenesshasbeenexaggerated.ForgivenessisaChristianideaandSpainhasneverbeenaChristiancountry.IthasalwayshaditsownspecialidolworshipwithintheChurch.OtraVirgenmás.Isupposethatwaswhytheyhadtodestroythevirginsoftheirenemies.Surelyitwasdeeperwiththem,withtheSpanishreligionfanatics,thanitwaswiththepeople.ThepeoplehadgrownawayfromtheChurchbecausetheChurchwasinthegovernmentandthegovernmenthadalwaysbeenrotten.Thiswastheonlycountrythatthereformationneverreached.TheywerepayingfortheInquisitionnow,allright.

Well,itwassomethingtothinkabout.Somethingtokeepyourmindfromworryingaboutyourwork.Itwassounderthanpretending.God,hehaddonealotofpretendingtonight.AndPilarhadbeenpretendingallday.Sure.Whatiftheywerekilledtomorrow?Whatdiditmatteraslongastheydidthebridgeproperly?Thatwasalltheyhadtodotomorrow.

Itdidn』t.Youcouldn』tdothesethingsindefinitely.Butyouweren』tsupposedtoliveforever.MaybeIhavehadallmylifeinthreedays,hethought.Ifthat』strueIwishwewouldhavespentthelastnightdifferently.Butlastnightsareneveranygood.Lastnothingsareanygood.Yes,lastwordsweregoodsometimes.「VivamyhusbandwhowasMayorofthistown」wasgood.

Heknewitwasgoodbecauseitmadeatinglerunalloverhimwhenhesaidittohimself.HeleanedoverandkissedMariawhodidnotwake.InEnglishhewhisperedveryquietly,「I』dliketomarryyou,rabbit.I』mveryproudofyourfamily.」